"Maybe there's a connection between the amount of noise in our lives and our inability to hear God." I decided that I'm not going to watch Lost tonight and instead spend some time in silence. It was a tough decision, I'll be honest, but this is what I've been needing to do for a long time now. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why God felt so distant. Last semester I was so far from Him that I wanted to be closer but everything I tried to do to get closer to God didn't work. Over break, I prayed a LOT, and I talked to my mentors a LOT, and I surrounded myself around good Christian people. I learned quite a bit, and I regained that passion in my heart to want to serve God. So that all happened.
Then I got back to Greenville. I got back into a routine, a daily schedule, going to chapel, worshipping my Lord and Savior on a daily basis. Awesome, right? Right...well yeah, it is awesome, I love worshipping God, I love learning more about Him. But today, I couldn't help but weep. I am realizing that I have been missing out on God. I haven't been listening. He is waiting to speak to me, and I just sit here and tell Him how I am frustrated with life, or how much I love Him, or intercede for others, and I leave it at that. He wants to hear all of my requests, but He also wants to speak to me, and I wasn't allowing Him to do that. This is why I felt so distant. It all makes sense now.
I really feel like God has put me in this Cor class that I am for a good reason, to learn to listen to Him. He's been trying to speak to me and I haven't been allowing that. I woke up this morning in a really weird mood. I feel like something is missing, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I started reading the Celebration of Discipline for Cor, and as I was reading it, I was just taking everything in. I felt everything finally made sense. Sure, I have learned all this stuff before, but I am learning to not be prideful in that I already know this, but to have an open heart and know that it's something I need to continue to apply to my life on a daily basis.
I am learning spiritual disciplines. I can't neglect my daily devotions. "Discipline is the price of freedom." - Elton Trueblood.
Jesus said "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10
The deeper you are in understanding God's word, the more abundant you are. As Christians we go through phases where we long after God, then sometimes we don't. I feel like our emotions guide us too much in our relationship with God. We have to remember that emotions are not the primary motivator for spiritual discipline. It takes effort. It's the same thing as being in a relationship with someone, it takes effort. You just CAN'T base a relationship off of emotions, and the same thing goes with God too.
I am truly blessed to be in this COR class, and I am learning SO much about myself and things that I need to do to spiritually discipline myself.
Resist the temptation to feel that meditation is unproductive.
I am so scared that I am going to miss out on ALL that God has to offer to me. My heart is breaking knowing that I haven't taken the time to be still and to listen. I am going to be focusing on silence for awhile. Yeah, I'll still talk to friends or whatever and have fun, but I do need to back off and come face-to-face with God. I need to confess to Him that I've been doing it wrong. My heart wants to serve God, and wants to be close to God, but I need to rerealize that ONLY God is God.