Meditation

I waited patiently for the Lord;
He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the desolate pit,
out of the miry bog,
and set me feet upon a rock,
Making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear, and put their
trust in the Lord.
- Psalm 40:1-3

Usually when I read verses about how if we wait patiently on the Lord He will answer our cries, and my first reaction is one of frustration or anger. Patience has got to be my weakest attribute. It's one of the hardest things for me to deal with, and when I read about God giving people the desires of their hearts, I want to think, "It's not fair! I want MY prayers to be answered. I want to be secure. I'm sick of waiting." Why is it that God takes care of David's desperation and not mine? I try to be a righteous person, and I know I fail at that, but my desire is to be a Christ follower. That should mean something, right? And it does. I've always had a passion for the Lord, but recently I've been convicted that I don't have the patience for the Lord. I never fully understood why God is making me wait so long, but through some serious prayer and meditation I think I figured it out. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to speak to me. I wasn't listening. I was always one step ahead of God, thinking I have everything under control, but in realty, I am lost.

Yes, I am a born again Christian, and I love learning theology and I strive to be Christ-like, but my steps are anything but secure. There was always a fight or struggle between me and God. In high school, I had sometimes thought God's love wasn't enough at the time and I needed something else to fill that desire. Love has always been something I struggled with. My parents divorced when I was really young, and I hardly ever remember feeling a sense of family. I would go to friends' houses and spend time with their families, eventually calling them my own family. But in the house I grew up in, it was hard to feel that sense of family. I'm not writing this to gain sympathy. I'm not depressed over this. If anything, I have learned a lot and grew a lot stronger in my faith because of those circumstances. I'm writing out of a desperation to experience God's love to the fullest and let that be enough in my life. I want to say his love is enough, but it's another thing to believe it from experience. So that's what I'm doing now. Experiencing God's love to the fullest.

As I think about how unfair it is for David's cries to be heard and answered, I have to ask myself, what am I doing that is different than David? We have the same desperation, so what makes his better than mine? The reason is because of our spiritual disciplines. This past semester I have realized that I am very dependent on spiritual mentors and accountability partners, and when I left for Greenville, I left all my dependency behind. It became easy to become distracted and to neglect my spiritual disciplines. I tend to turn to other people before turning to God, and this is something I still sometimes struggle with, and it’s also why I am so frustrated with God at times. He is waiting for me to turn to Him in silence and to listen to Him.

The first half of my half hour meditation was me letting out my frustration at God, about how He’ll “give us the desires of our hearts if we commit to the Lord.” I was impatient because I felt like I was committed and I desired godly things, but I wasn’t receiving. The second half was mostly focused on submission and revealing that I just need to be silent and listen to God. David talks about being still and knowing that God is God. I am learning to trust that God will do great things in His timing, and know that His timing always perfect.