I'm just gonna be honest. I have never felt so distant from God as I have been these last couple weeks. You would think coming to a Christian college would make it easier to not neglect God, but for me, it's been easier to neglect Him. Before I left for school, I was on fire for God. I was so dependent on God, and nothing could bring me down.
But now, I am so critical of everyone here. I feel like everyone is putting on some kind of show. I got this attitude like I'm better than everyone else, like my faith was stronger than theirs' so I didn't need to be spiritually fed by them. Part of it was chapel. I mean, we are forced to go to a certain number of chapels, and then I was never amazed at the speakers. Part of it is that there are so many denominations so the talks are very basic so we can all have a common ground. I wasn't getting anything out of the chapel speakers, because I felt like I needed to hear things that were deeper and had more meaning.
I figured I could just read my Bible for myself and grow by myself. Big mistake. The only thing that did was bring me farther away from God. I was not getting fed by anyone. Sure, I was having fun, but I was not growing in my faith at all. The sad part was that I knew I was becoming distant, but I didn't do anything about it.
I think that happens one time too many for all of us - we know we are becoming distant, but we don't do anything about it. It's sad. I used to be a writer/blogger. I would write notes about what God is doing in my life, or what He's been teaching me, and I stopped once I got to Greenville. Writing really helps me figure things out. It clears my mind. The past couple months, I have just been keeping all my thoughts to myself and it got to the point where God finally decided to break me. I can't really tell you how it happened, but something just hit me inside and I knew I had to do something.
I went home this weekend. Yesterday, I visited my good friends Haley and Linnette, and they were asking how I was doing. I told them about how I felt so distant and critical, and Linnette asked me, "Who are you hanging out with?" I thought about that. It's not like the people I hang out with are bad people, but honestly, I don't feel like I am growing spiritually either. Sure, I have lots of fun with them, and that is important, but I feel like the spiritual growth is missing. This doesn't mean I am going to stop hanging out with these people. I am going to try to build closer friendships by having meaningful talks or whatever I need to do. She also asked, "Who is pouring into you spiritually?" I paused and thought, no one. That's my problem. Because of my critical attitude, I wasn't allowing anyone to help me grow in my faith. I need to open up to more people, and this is so hard for me. Also, I may be distancing myself for awhile, just to get back on track with God. I need to spend one on one time with God, and I have not been doing that as often as I need to.
I just want to encourage you all to not neglect God. Keep up your Bible studies. Have meaningful conversations with others. It helps. I had a friend in my room last night, and we had a nice talk. It was the first time I actually had a good talk opening up to someone else about my faith, and it was nice. We get so nervous of what others will think, or how they will judge us, but I just want to encourage you to find at least one other person you can open up to and share what God is doing. It will change your perspective. I realized that I was not the only one who was so critical about everyone here. I am asking God to help me be less judgemental and that whenever I start to criticize, realize that I am as much of a sinner as they are. I have my faults too. I can be annoying sometimes. I don't always dress fashionable. I am not always the nicest person ever. I can be bitter. In Matthew, Jesus preaches, “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Also, if you could, please keep me in your prayers as I am working on getting back on track. I love you all. And if anyone ever wants to talk, please let me know. I would love that. :)
OH, I am going to add on to this. Another thing that has been getting on my nerves is all the relationships here. I understand the whole waiting on God to bring the right guy to you, and wait for the guy who will pursue you, but as I look around and see everyone finding their lovers, it makes me feel like I am being held back, which is ridiculous thinking. I am still waiting on God, but I am getting impatient, ha. I haven't even had any "maybes" yet. I considered a few to be a maybe, but I just let those pass. I just have to keep reminding myself, singleness is not a disease. I guess I do have a few more years here, so I shouldn't be in a hurry, right? To my future husband, wherever you are, I hope you are having a great day. And, I love you. :) okay that's weird
Monday, November 2, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
You Are Everlasting
Our God reigns forever. He is our hope and our strong deliverer.
He doesn't faint, He won't grow weary.
He's the defender of the weak
He comforts those in need
He lift us up on wings like eagles
God, You are everlasting.
So, we sang this song in chapel and I realized that this is something I struggle with so much. Waiting on God's timing. I want to have everything figured out for myself, for my life. Sometimes, I just wish there was a simple formula for life. Like, plug in X here and Y there to get Z. Unfortunately and fortunately, life does not work this way. I struggle with expectations. I expect one thing to happen if I do something for that result. But, it doesn't always come out the way I planned. Sometimes, it's just so frustrating and I get so impatient with God. We have to remember that strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. This is so hard. I find it easier when I remind myself that God created me, and He knows everything about me. He knows every decision I'm going to make. So, obviously He knows what is best for me. But why do I still want to control my life myself? Is it stubbornness, impatience, selfishness? I think it is all those things, but I still know that God has a great plan for me, so why can't I just give myself completely to Him? What is holding me back? What is holding you back?
Another song that really hit me was How He Loves Us. I heard the lyrics, "He is jealous for me. His love is like a hurricane." This is so true. So many people try to find a replacement for God's love. They run to a boy or to a girl looking for this love. No love surpasses God's love. We all long to be loved unconditionally. God is so jealous for us. He is always waiting with open arms ready to love us and to never stop. It breaks his heart to watch us go day by day just going through the motions and not giving ourselves fully to Him. Think about how bad it hurts when a boyfriend or girlfriend tells you they don't love you anymore. It's like that, but infinity times harder for God. He created each and every one of us. He knitted you together and He gave you your body and He calls you beautiful. He wants a relationship with you. That is why He created you! He is waiting for us to run to him. After we do this and experience God's amazing love, we obtain the ability to love others. Love comes from God. We can't be in a relationship or dependent on someone else until we first experience God's love. Or else, we will never fully be satisfied. That was just something I've been thinking about. It took me the hard way to figure this out. I gave my heart away to someone else. I put that person before God, and I became dissatisfied. I thought I knew better, and I've heard the stories, but God had to put me through that situation in order to fully understand it. And now I can tell other people my story and try to help them see how wide and how deep the love of God is.
"You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
"and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." - 1 Corinthians 13:2
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galations 2:20
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:17-19
He doesn't faint, He won't grow weary.
He's the defender of the weak
He comforts those in need
He lift us up on wings like eagles
God, You are everlasting.
So, we sang this song in chapel and I realized that this is something I struggle with so much. Waiting on God's timing. I want to have everything figured out for myself, for my life. Sometimes, I just wish there was a simple formula for life. Like, plug in X here and Y there to get Z. Unfortunately and fortunately, life does not work this way. I struggle with expectations. I expect one thing to happen if I do something for that result. But, it doesn't always come out the way I planned. Sometimes, it's just so frustrating and I get so impatient with God. We have to remember that strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord. This is so hard. I find it easier when I remind myself that God created me, and He knows everything about me. He knows every decision I'm going to make. So, obviously He knows what is best for me. But why do I still want to control my life myself? Is it stubbornness, impatience, selfishness? I think it is all those things, but I still know that God has a great plan for me, so why can't I just give myself completely to Him? What is holding me back? What is holding you back?
Another song that really hit me was How He Loves Us. I heard the lyrics, "He is jealous for me. His love is like a hurricane." This is so true. So many people try to find a replacement for God's love. They run to a boy or to a girl looking for this love. No love surpasses God's love. We all long to be loved unconditionally. God is so jealous for us. He is always waiting with open arms ready to love us and to never stop. It breaks his heart to watch us go day by day just going through the motions and not giving ourselves fully to Him. Think about how bad it hurts when a boyfriend or girlfriend tells you they don't love you anymore. It's like that, but infinity times harder for God. He created each and every one of us. He knitted you together and He gave you your body and He calls you beautiful. He wants a relationship with you. That is why He created you! He is waiting for us to run to him. After we do this and experience God's amazing love, we obtain the ability to love others. Love comes from God. We can't be in a relationship or dependent on someone else until we first experience God's love. Or else, we will never fully be satisfied. That was just something I've been thinking about. It took me the hard way to figure this out. I gave my heart away to someone else. I put that person before God, and I became dissatisfied. I thought I knew better, and I've heard the stories, but God had to put me through that situation in order to fully understand it. And now I can tell other people my story and try to help them see how wide and how deep the love of God is.
"You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
"and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." - 1 Corinthians 13:2
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." - Galations 2:20
"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." - Ephesians 3:17-19
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