So, I gave a talk to high schoolers last night, and I focused on Jonah, and related that to my story through high school and my first semester at college. It went something like this:
Jonah chapters 1-4
God tells Jonah to go to Nineveh and preach against its wickedness, but Jonah ran away and sailed for Tarshish instead. We don't really know the reason why, but we can assume it was out of fear, or pride, meaning he didn't think the people in Nineveh deserved God's love. God sends a storm over the sea, and Jonah tells the men on the ship to throw him overboard because it is his fault that there is a storm. God sends a great fish to rescue Jonah by swallowing him. Jonah sits in the fish for 3 days, and prays to God. He has no other choice but to rely on God. Finally, the fish vomits Jonah on shore. Jonah goes to Nineveh and preaches that God will destroy the city in 40 days because of their corruptness. The people of Nineveh immediately repent and turn from their evil ways, and God saves the city. Jonah becomes very angry at the Lord's compassion, saying that there was no point for him to go to the city if God was going to be that merciful anyway. He leaves the city and camps out near by so he can watch and see what happens to the city. God made a plant grow over Jonah's head to give him shade, and Jonah becomes very glad and grateful. The next morning, God sends a worm to eat the plant and Jonah becomes very upset and starts to feel faint from the scorching sun. The whole point of this is that God finally gets Jonah to express concern for something perishing, but the irony is that it's only about the plant, not the 120,000 people in Nineveh who "don't know their left hand form their right." God says to Jonah, "Should I not pity the people in Nineveh?" He created them, just like he did Jonah, and loves them all the same, yet Jonah has more concern for the plant than the people in Nineveh.
I tell you this story because I want to encourage you all to not be like Jonah.
High School:
Looking back to high school, I really wish I had done so much more to live for God. We fall into this trap where we feel like everything we do matters. If it's not what everyone else is doing, then we shouldn't do it either. We feel like we shouldn't talk about God because others will judge us, or we might get in trouble. There are so many people who need to hear the truth, and high school is probably your biggest opportunity to share your faith. Don't be like Jonah and close people off just because they are not Christians. It wasn't until my senior year that I started living out my faith. I wasn't perfect, and I know I closed off my faith to people I knew who didn't want to hear it, but to the people I became better friends with, I vie. wed them as friends and as people who needed to be shown God's love and mercy. I learned to be open to them and I had such a passion for other people's salvation that I could not just sit and watch. I was blessed to be the friend that people came to for encouragement or advice, and that's how it started. My friends would come to me with an issue or problem, and I would find scripture to encourage them. Don't overwhelm them with your own words. It's best to let scripture speak for itself. Next, invite them to church with you. I ended up bringing 5 of my friends to church, and 3 of them got baptized into the church. Now, they are out sharing their faith. It's so neat to see what just one person can do. What if everyone who professed to be Christian witnessed to others? Think about how much of a difference everyone can make together. That amazes me. When I think about that and being in high school, I just think, "What if I had opened up to more people? What if I had put God first in every situation? What if I decided not to date and wait on God's timing? What if I didn't worry about what other people thought? What if I had focused on others more than myself?" High school does go by fast, and now I only see a handful of the people I used to see every day. My heart cries out to those that I decided to not share my faith with because it wasn't the cool thing to do. I blew off some of the biggest opportunities to share my faith, and now I'll probably never see some of those people again.
Let your faith speak.
College:
I have learned so much about myself this past semester at college. I've learned that I am very dependent on others to feed me spiritually. I left my security at home. I went to Greenville not knowing anyone, and I had no accountability partners. It was not what I had expected it to be. I was so looking forward to moving on with my life and meeting some awesome Christians at a Christian college, and I just didn't find that. My expectations were so high that I had a hard time meeting such friends. My first couple of weeks I spent focusing on only God and having having quiet times. I wanted my relationship with God to be in a right place, and I trusted that God would bring the right friends when I was ready. Soon after that, I started hanging out with some new friends. It wasn't that they were bad people at all. We just never had godly discussions, and I eventually replaced having quiet times with hanging out with friends. Yes, I was having fun, but I was not growing spiritually. In fact, I became so far from God, and I knew I was far from God, but I just didn't do anything about it. I relate this to Jonah because he was very judgemental of the people in Neneveh, saying they didn't deserve God's love. It wasn't that I didn't think people in Greenville deserved God's love, but I did become very critical of everyone. I wasn't finding people I could talk to and share my spiritual life with. I got the impression that everyone was acting fake, which was totally wrong. I just couldn't find truth in anything, and I was so bothered and angry at God that I just stopped wanting to spend time with him. I became stubborn, and just wanted to run.
I came home Halloween weekend, and met up with Linnette, my spiritual mentor and one of my best friends, Haley, and told them what I was going through. I missed having accountability partners, and I missed having godly discussions with my friends. They prayed for me, and as I was driving back to Greenville, something inside of me changed. I got back to school and things started getting better. I opened up to one of my good friends on campus, and we had a really amazing talk. I also started talking to the girls on my floor, and got to know them a little better. I started meeting other really awesome people, and it was very encouraging. One night at Vespers, there was a man talking about how he used to be passionate for God, then went down the wrong path and started drinking and partying. When he got hit by that train in Greenville, it was a miracle that he survived. He felt that it was a wake up call from God to repent and get back on track. After hearing that, I knew that God was speaking to me as well. My life was so unbalanced, and I needed to make things right. If you try to spend only time with God, you end up relying on yourself too much. God made us relational so we can have fellowship with others. I can't stress enough how important it is to talk about God and your spiritual life with others, and find friends who will hold you accountable. Find someone you can trust and who can challenge you in your faith.
When Jonah was swallowed by the fish, he had no other choice but to fully rely on God. I had so much security at home, and when I got to Greenville, I too had to learn to depend on God. I went from one extreme to the other, and now it's balancing out. I am working on opening up to others, and finding people who I can trust and be honest with about my spiritual life. My desire is to know God more, and I am looking for people who share that desire. I asked God to fill me with a compassion for others. The last few weeks I was at Greenville were rocky. I was working on balancing my life out, and now I am just ready to go back and start a new semester. I plan to open up, share my faith, be honest, and find accountability. I want to encourage everyone who is reading this to do the same. There is nothing more important than your faith, and speaking from experience, you will be amazed at what God can do through you if you just make yourself available to Him.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
"whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me"
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. - Micah 6:8
Growing up in St. Louis, I am so used to seeing homeless people everyday. It was so easy to just ignore them and pass by. Most of the people I was raised with taught us to avoid the homeless, because they are all “making up stories to make you feel sorry for them.” Also, they might just spend their money on drugs or cigarettes. My old youth group would go on youth retreats downtown and our sponsors would tell us to stay away from the homeless and to not feel obligated to give them anything. I even remember one of our sponsors telling us to not make eye contact with them. They acted as if the homeless were not real humans and I remember being so bothered by this.
One year, when I was in middle school, a homeless man wanted to volunteer at our live nativity scene around Christmas time. He just happened to be near by and wanted to do something productive with his time. He played the role of Joseph and my brother and I both were shepherds. At first, we didn't say anything to each other, and honestly, I felt really uncomfortable being around a homeless man. We stood in the cold next to the manger in silence. Even the others who dressed up with us didn't say anything. My younger brother then let out a loud burp. We all couldn't help but laugh, including the homeless man. After that, he joked around with me and my brother and turned out to have a great sense of humor, and honestly, it was then that I started to view him as human, and not just homeless. My perspective changed so much and I was so inspired that I thought I would go into homeless ministry as a career.
Years passed, and I never got involved with homeless ministry. I can't even count how many times a homeless person has approached me asking for money. I have been to Chicago multiple times to visit my sister at her college and have been downtown St. Louis so many times with friends, and every time a homeless person would ask for money to buy a bus ticket to get back to their family, I apologized and with guilt said I did not have any extra change. Besides, they are just going to spend the money on drugs - how could you trust them? Plus, everyone was telling me that it was okay to not give them anything.
This past summer, I was at a Bible study and someone asked the question, "Is it okay to give someone money when they beg for it, even though you know they will just spend it on cigarettes or drugs?" We thought about it for awhile, and I remember thinking, it doesn't matter what they spend the spend the money on; we are called to give and God sees that we gave and that's what is most important. Even though I knew that giving is important, I didn't apply that to my own life. I kept avoiding it.
When our COR class went to St. Louis this past semester, my perspective completely was turned around. Instead of being scared of the homeless and being in the city after dark like most of the students, I was more nervous of how I would react. I am already familiar with the city, but I am not familiar with spending time with the homeless. I once had a strong passion for them, and I felt as if I had lost that. It wasn’t that I didn’t care - I was just bitter about giving them money to spend on mostly drugs.
We went through a tunnel under 12th street, which was really muddy and dark and we had to use flash lights to see where we were going. As we got closer to the end of the tunnel, we saw a small campfire in the distance. As it started to get lighter in the tunnel, we saw tents set up on the sides. No one came out of the first set of tents, and we kept moving forward. We ran into a second set of tents. There were chairs set up around the campfire, along with a lot of stuff that the homeless had collected from dumpsters, including a wooden door. They also had their own pantry. We got to talk to a few people who had called this area their home and listen to their tragic stories of how they became homeless.
I thought it was so interesting how they called themselves a family, and how humans have a natural instinct to bond with other people. They each took on the roles of a family. The lady was called, "mom," and there was a man that was called, "dad." There was an elderly man who did not talk to us, but just sat at the fire the whole time, and he was called "grandpa." There were also two teenagers living there that played the role of the kids. The mom and dad of the group took care of the children. That is what struck me the most. Even though they really had nothing, they were happy to have each other and fulfill that need for a family.
Christians should be known for giving, and not being judgemental. Even though they really had nothing, they were able to appreciate everything they had. This is the type of faith we all need to have. We need to remember that God does not owe us anything, but we owe everything to God.
Matthew 25:41-46
The Sheep and the Goats
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God. - Micah 6:8
Growing up in St. Louis, I am so used to seeing homeless people everyday. It was so easy to just ignore them and pass by. Most of the people I was raised with taught us to avoid the homeless, because they are all “making up stories to make you feel sorry for them.” Also, they might just spend their money on drugs or cigarettes. My old youth group would go on youth retreats downtown and our sponsors would tell us to stay away from the homeless and to not feel obligated to give them anything. I even remember one of our sponsors telling us to not make eye contact with them. They acted as if the homeless were not real humans and I remember being so bothered by this.
One year, when I was in middle school, a homeless man wanted to volunteer at our live nativity scene around Christmas time. He just happened to be near by and wanted to do something productive with his time. He played the role of Joseph and my brother and I both were shepherds. At first, we didn't say anything to each other, and honestly, I felt really uncomfortable being around a homeless man. We stood in the cold next to the manger in silence. Even the others who dressed up with us didn't say anything. My younger brother then let out a loud burp. We all couldn't help but laugh, including the homeless man. After that, he joked around with me and my brother and turned out to have a great sense of humor, and honestly, it was then that I started to view him as human, and not just homeless. My perspective changed so much and I was so inspired that I thought I would go into homeless ministry as a career.
Years passed, and I never got involved with homeless ministry. I can't even count how many times a homeless person has approached me asking for money. I have been to Chicago multiple times to visit my sister at her college and have been downtown St. Louis so many times with friends, and every time a homeless person would ask for money to buy a bus ticket to get back to their family, I apologized and with guilt said I did not have any extra change. Besides, they are just going to spend the money on drugs - how could you trust them? Plus, everyone was telling me that it was okay to not give them anything.
This past summer, I was at a Bible study and someone asked the question, "Is it okay to give someone money when they beg for it, even though you know they will just spend it on cigarettes or drugs?" We thought about it for awhile, and I remember thinking, it doesn't matter what they spend the spend the money on; we are called to give and God sees that we gave and that's what is most important. Even though I knew that giving is important, I didn't apply that to my own life. I kept avoiding it.
When our COR class went to St. Louis this past semester, my perspective completely was turned around. Instead of being scared of the homeless and being in the city after dark like most of the students, I was more nervous of how I would react. I am already familiar with the city, but I am not familiar with spending time with the homeless. I once had a strong passion for them, and I felt as if I had lost that. It wasn’t that I didn’t care - I was just bitter about giving them money to spend on mostly drugs.
We went through a tunnel under 12th street, which was really muddy and dark and we had to use flash lights to see where we were going. As we got closer to the end of the tunnel, we saw a small campfire in the distance. As it started to get lighter in the tunnel, we saw tents set up on the sides. No one came out of the first set of tents, and we kept moving forward. We ran into a second set of tents. There were chairs set up around the campfire, along with a lot of stuff that the homeless had collected from dumpsters, including a wooden door. They also had their own pantry. We got to talk to a few people who had called this area their home and listen to their tragic stories of how they became homeless.
I thought it was so interesting how they called themselves a family, and how humans have a natural instinct to bond with other people. They each took on the roles of a family. The lady was called, "mom," and there was a man that was called, "dad." There was an elderly man who did not talk to us, but just sat at the fire the whole time, and he was called "grandpa." There were also two teenagers living there that played the role of the kids. The mom and dad of the group took care of the children. That is what struck me the most. Even though they really had nothing, they were happy to have each other and fulfill that need for a family.
Christians should be known for giving, and not being judgemental. Even though they really had nothing, they were able to appreciate everything they had. This is the type of faith we all need to have. We need to remember that God does not owe us anything, but we owe everything to God.
Matthew 25:41-46
The Sheep and the Goats
"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."
something Sarah wrote
This is something my friend Sarah wrote, and I couldn't agree with her any more.
"Maybe I'll run away. To another country. The immaturity in me wants to deal with my hatred of consumerism by escaping it, wants to shirk the guilt I feel for American pettiness by disassociating myself from the whole system. When I was a kid, I prayed that God would send me to Narnia even though I knew it was all fiction. He was all-powerful; He could make it real for me and send me there, just for a minute or two of earth time. I promised it would be beneficial to Him because, like the Pevensies, I would know Him better through my interactions with Aslan. I'm nineteen and I still haven't grown out of that because I tell myself I can find the mysterious land I've always loved by flying across a border or two.
Many of His teachings make no sense to me, but I know exactly what He meant when He said we'd be foreigners. I know what it is to be homesick for a place I've never seen, remembering customs I've never imagined.
Maybe I'll hide for a while. Live by myself in a field. I'll be dreadfully lonely, but I will reach it: I will exist for existence. No one will know what I am doing or what I look like. I will not know what anyone is doing or what anyone looks like. And I will not have to meet anyone's standard. And I will not despise myself for not equaling someone else's grandeur. I will not do something because it will make a good story or please someone. I will discover what it is that I like to do for the sake of doing it. I will talk (I will shout!) with the wind without bundling my words in social graces and unspoken messages. I will live and not just act.
I think it's wrong to judge people based on what music they listen to. We don't judge people for enjoying McDonald's fries once in a while, but we think ourselves entitled to berate them for singing along to any style not refined enough for our superior tastes. Why don't we love our music for its own sake? I should be able to enjoy my music without feeling the need to hide it, brag about it, or mention it at all. If I truly like my music, I don't have to compare it to yours to make me feel good about the fact that I am listening to it.
Dear Everyone,
You are not the music you listen to.
And you were unanimously voted the best musical critic of your own ipod. It doesn't matter how many millions have defined their lives by the Beatles if you just don't like the Beatles. It's your right not to like the Beatles and not to be ashamed of that. (It's your friends' right not to be ashamed of liking the Beatles, either, so don't hate.) Yeah, it's true: I'm a musical relativist. I'm sick of the prejudice we throw at beautiful people because God made their ears in different shapes than ours.
(Dear Parents,
I'm sorry for criticizing your music.
(I still don't like it. Personally.))
I don't think facebook profiles should include our favorite music, TV shows, movies, and books in the one-page summaries of ourselves. That has nothing to do with us! At best, it shows some of the ideas we agree with, particularly in the books department. But usually it only proves that we exist to consume the mainstream junk food mass-produced to give us something to measure ourselves by (or obscure music and movies, if we long to be defined as free spirits). Yes, the style of clothing covering the body does tell you something about the person beneath, but it! is! not! the! person! What does a jacket have to do with the lungs, with the heart, with the kidneys quivering within? What does a synthesized beat have to do with what you daydream about or how you respond to rude supermarket employees?
I think it's wrong to judge people based on their grammar too. I used to correct grammar in conversations, and I'm sorry: I was being a jerk. I don't even care anymore if my own grammar is flawless unless I'm writing something serious; I think people should have the freedom to talk to one another without having to sound perfect all the time. Grammar is tricky; it's like calculus. Some people have struggled their way through algebra, others still can't add, and no one but Grammar Girl has mastered every equation. In my opinion, it is writers' responsibility to learn their language and companies' responsibility to hire editors who already have. But the people themselves, the speakers of the language, are more than the competence of their high school English teachers. I promise you they know something you don't, whether it's programming computers, fixing car engines, or making crabby toddlers smile. What makes your area of expertise loftier than theirs?
I want to paint a picture just because it's a wonderful picture in my head, and I want to love it with all my heart no matter how it turns out. Art is probably my biggest insecurity. Before I graduated, I refused to even minor in art simply because I wasn't as good as other artists I knew. I told my friend this, and she was so adamant that I study art that she screamed her first curse word at me. She was right: I am an artist. Not because I am half as good as half my friends but because sometimes just thinking about painting makes me so happy that my ears wiggle. And I need to be true to that; as long as I'm painting bland pictures because they look somewhat like other people's pictures, I'm hardly painting at all. I need to stop painting as if every canvas is a competition and just let my hands create what they will, with joy.
Do you love me more or less for writing this? For posting it so publicly? For admitting weaknesses you share or you despise? For confessing that some of my music is utterly uncool and then turning my nose up at your upturned nose?
The whole point of this is: I don't care, I won't care, I won't care, I won't care."
"Maybe I'll run away. To another country. The immaturity in me wants to deal with my hatred of consumerism by escaping it, wants to shirk the guilt I feel for American pettiness by disassociating myself from the whole system. When I was a kid, I prayed that God would send me to Narnia even though I knew it was all fiction. He was all-powerful; He could make it real for me and send me there, just for a minute or two of earth time. I promised it would be beneficial to Him because, like the Pevensies, I would know Him better through my interactions with Aslan. I'm nineteen and I still haven't grown out of that because I tell myself I can find the mysterious land I've always loved by flying across a border or two.
Many of His teachings make no sense to me, but I know exactly what He meant when He said we'd be foreigners. I know what it is to be homesick for a place I've never seen, remembering customs I've never imagined.
Maybe I'll hide for a while. Live by myself in a field. I'll be dreadfully lonely, but I will reach it: I will exist for existence. No one will know what I am doing or what I look like. I will not know what anyone is doing or what anyone looks like. And I will not have to meet anyone's standard. And I will not despise myself for not equaling someone else's grandeur. I will not do something because it will make a good story or please someone. I will discover what it is that I like to do for the sake of doing it. I will talk (I will shout!) with the wind without bundling my words in social graces and unspoken messages. I will live and not just act.
I think it's wrong to judge people based on what music they listen to. We don't judge people for enjoying McDonald's fries once in a while, but we think ourselves entitled to berate them for singing along to any style not refined enough for our superior tastes. Why don't we love our music for its own sake? I should be able to enjoy my music without feeling the need to hide it, brag about it, or mention it at all. If I truly like my music, I don't have to compare it to yours to make me feel good about the fact that I am listening to it.
Dear Everyone,
You are not the music you listen to.
And you were unanimously voted the best musical critic of your own ipod. It doesn't matter how many millions have defined their lives by the Beatles if you just don't like the Beatles. It's your right not to like the Beatles and not to be ashamed of that. (It's your friends' right not to be ashamed of liking the Beatles, either, so don't hate.) Yeah, it's true: I'm a musical relativist. I'm sick of the prejudice we throw at beautiful people because God made their ears in different shapes than ours.
(Dear Parents,
I'm sorry for criticizing your music.
(I still don't like it. Personally.))
I don't think facebook profiles should include our favorite music, TV shows, movies, and books in the one-page summaries of ourselves. That has nothing to do with us! At best, it shows some of the ideas we agree with, particularly in the books department. But usually it only proves that we exist to consume the mainstream junk food mass-produced to give us something to measure ourselves by (or obscure music and movies, if we long to be defined as free spirits). Yes, the style of clothing covering the body does tell you something about the person beneath, but it! is! not! the! person! What does a jacket have to do with the lungs, with the heart, with the kidneys quivering within? What does a synthesized beat have to do with what you daydream about or how you respond to rude supermarket employees?
I think it's wrong to judge people based on their grammar too. I used to correct grammar in conversations, and I'm sorry: I was being a jerk. I don't even care anymore if my own grammar is flawless unless I'm writing something serious; I think people should have the freedom to talk to one another without having to sound perfect all the time. Grammar is tricky; it's like calculus. Some people have struggled their way through algebra, others still can't add, and no one but Grammar Girl has mastered every equation. In my opinion, it is writers' responsibility to learn their language and companies' responsibility to hire editors who already have. But the people themselves, the speakers of the language, are more than the competence of their high school English teachers. I promise you they know something you don't, whether it's programming computers, fixing car engines, or making crabby toddlers smile. What makes your area of expertise loftier than theirs?
I want to paint a picture just because it's a wonderful picture in my head, and I want to love it with all my heart no matter how it turns out. Art is probably my biggest insecurity. Before I graduated, I refused to even minor in art simply because I wasn't as good as other artists I knew. I told my friend this, and she was so adamant that I study art that she screamed her first curse word at me. She was right: I am an artist. Not because I am half as good as half my friends but because sometimes just thinking about painting makes me so happy that my ears wiggle. And I need to be true to that; as long as I'm painting bland pictures because they look somewhat like other people's pictures, I'm hardly painting at all. I need to stop painting as if every canvas is a competition and just let my hands create what they will, with joy.
Do you love me more or less for writing this? For posting it so publicly? For admitting weaknesses you share or you despise? For confessing that some of my music is utterly uncool and then turning my nose up at your upturned nose?
The whole point of this is: I don't care, I won't care, I won't care, I won't care."
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Do Do Do Do Do (something I wrote awhile back)
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Romans 7:14-20 (New International Version)
I think the English Standard Version is so much easier to follow, but I put the NIV one up just because it's fun with all the do's. :)
For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
Romans 7:14-20 (ESV)
Paul is arguing that the fault lies with sin, not with the law. Through the law, sin is revealed in all its hideousness, and the law is vindicated as good.
Just because I am a Christian does not mean that I do not struggle with sin. I struggle so much with it, every day. However, through the power of the Holy Spirit we should be growing and have that desire to be more Christ-like. Therefore, that is why we hate sin. I hate the fact that I sin, and God knows this because He knows my heart. I do desire to do the right thing, but it's so easy for my flesh (sinful nature) to take over. We are not perfect, and we do not have the ability to be perfect. I want to be righteous, but evil is always there.
However, God's love is so amazing that He did send Jesus to die on the cross as a living sacrifice for our sins. He looks at the heart. If he didn't, we would all be goners. But He does love us, and He knows that I hate sin, and He won't ever take away my salvation. This is no excuse that sin is okay, because it is not. God hates sin so much more than we do, and he won't even allow a bit of it in His kingdom. When you truly become a Christian, you will hate sin just as much. God looks at that, and that is how we are judged.
Another thing to think about:
“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.
1 Corinthians 10:23 (ESV)
NIV puts it this way: All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial.
This is another thing that I struggle with. I want to serve God to my best ability and give Him all the glory. All things are permissible, even if we do screw up. But God can still work through that. It may not have been as beneficial as if we followed God's will in the first place, but God can work through anything to make good, which is why all things are permissible. God's will is perfect. We will benefit the most if we follow His plan. For me, I struggle with trying to figure out His plan. From experience, I've found that God never tells us what to do, however, you will just kind of know if you keep praying about it and it feels right. If things start lining up, it is probably God's will.
Romans 7:14-20 (New International Version)
I think the English Standard Version is so much easier to follow, but I put the NIV one up just because it's fun with all the do's. :)
For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
Romans 7:14-20 (ESV)
Paul is arguing that the fault lies with sin, not with the law. Through the law, sin is revealed in all its hideousness, and the law is vindicated as good.
Just because I am a Christian does not mean that I do not struggle with sin. I struggle so much with it, every day. However, through the power of the Holy Spirit we should be growing and have that desire to be more Christ-like. Therefore, that is why we hate sin. I hate the fact that I sin, and God knows this because He knows my heart. I do desire to do the right thing, but it's so easy for my flesh (sinful nature) to take over. We are not perfect, and we do not have the ability to be perfect. I want to be righteous, but evil is always there.
However, God's love is so amazing that He did send Jesus to die on the cross as a living sacrifice for our sins. He looks at the heart. If he didn't, we would all be goners. But He does love us, and He knows that I hate sin, and He won't ever take away my salvation. This is no excuse that sin is okay, because it is not. God hates sin so much more than we do, and he won't even allow a bit of it in His kingdom. When you truly become a Christian, you will hate sin just as much. God looks at that, and that is how we are judged.
Another thing to think about:
“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.
1 Corinthians 10:23 (ESV)
NIV puts it this way: All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial.
This is another thing that I struggle with. I want to serve God to my best ability and give Him all the glory. All things are permissible, even if we do screw up. But God can still work through that. It may not have been as beneficial as if we followed God's will in the first place, but God can work through anything to make good, which is why all things are permissible. God's will is perfect. We will benefit the most if we follow His plan. For me, I struggle with trying to figure out His plan. From experience, I've found that God never tells us what to do, however, you will just kind of know if you keep praying about it and it feels right. If things start lining up, it is probably God's will.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
control.
I think so many times we forget that God has a perfect plan for us. I've been trying so hard to figure out why it's so hard to trust God. From experience, I know things turn out so much better when I do leave it in God's hands, so what holds me back from fully trusting Him every waking moment?
I, like most other Christians, go through times where my faith seems dry. It bothers me so much, and my first response should be to turn to God and to scripture. However, I usually call up a friend or sometimes just ignore it, thinking it will pass. This is not true. Dry spells don't just pass unless either God slaps you in the face until you repent, or you realize for yourself that you are taking a wrong turn. It happens to every Christian I know. Is it just because we are human, or is there really a way to fully trust God with every single decision we make? Is it possible to let God control every aspect of our lives and not have to worry about anything?
I do not think it is possible. Even though Jesus tells us to not worry, and scripture tells us that God has a perfect plan for us and to fully surrender to God, we will always be human and sin will always be our nature. The concept of freewill is what makes the beauty in repentance and surrender. The Bible tells us to fully trust God and not worry about anything else as encouragement. That's our goal. Letting God control our lives should be our desire, and yes, we will mess up because there will always be sin, but that is why we have grace and mercy to justify the times we have messed up. This is why God judges our hearts, and not just our actions. And that is where love comes in to play. Love God. Love people.
Wow, my mind is just all over the place tonight. So many words and concepts to think about.
I, like most other Christians, go through times where my faith seems dry. It bothers me so much, and my first response should be to turn to God and to scripture. However, I usually call up a friend or sometimes just ignore it, thinking it will pass. This is not true. Dry spells don't just pass unless either God slaps you in the face until you repent, or you realize for yourself that you are taking a wrong turn. It happens to every Christian I know. Is it just because we are human, or is there really a way to fully trust God with every single decision we make? Is it possible to let God control every aspect of our lives and not have to worry about anything?
I do not think it is possible. Even though Jesus tells us to not worry, and scripture tells us that God has a perfect plan for us and to fully surrender to God, we will always be human and sin will always be our nature. The concept of freewill is what makes the beauty in repentance and surrender. The Bible tells us to fully trust God and not worry about anything else as encouragement. That's our goal. Letting God control our lives should be our desire, and yes, we will mess up because there will always be sin, but that is why we have grace and mercy to justify the times we have messed up. This is why God judges our hearts, and not just our actions. And that is where love comes in to play. Love God. Love people.
Wow, my mind is just all over the place tonight. So many words and concepts to think about.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
This Is My Struggle
desire.
passion.
direction.
accountability.
am i good enough?
yes.
no.
yes.
love.
Lord, I am so unworthy.
My heart longs for you.
Break me.
Fill me.
compassion.
mercy.
love.
yes.
guilt.
shame.
embarrassment.
rejection.
no.
hope.
trust.
timing.
faithfulness.
love.
passion.
direction.
accountability.
am i good enough?
yes.
no.
yes.
love.
Lord, I am so unworthy.
My heart longs for you.
Break me.
Fill me.
compassion.
mercy.
love.
yes.
guilt.
shame.
embarrassment.
rejection.
no.
hope.
trust.
timing.
faithfulness.
love.
Monday, November 2, 2009
I need to be refined
I'm just gonna be honest. I have never felt so distant from God as I have been these last couple weeks. You would think coming to a Christian college would make it easier to not neglect God, but for me, it's been easier to neglect Him. Before I left for school, I was on fire for God. I was so dependent on God, and nothing could bring me down.
But now, I am so critical of everyone here. I feel like everyone is putting on some kind of show. I got this attitude like I'm better than everyone else, like my faith was stronger than theirs' so I didn't need to be spiritually fed by them. Part of it was chapel. I mean, we are forced to go to a certain number of chapels, and then I was never amazed at the speakers. Part of it is that there are so many denominations so the talks are very basic so we can all have a common ground. I wasn't getting anything out of the chapel speakers, because I felt like I needed to hear things that were deeper and had more meaning.
I figured I could just read my Bible for myself and grow by myself. Big mistake. The only thing that did was bring me farther away from God. I was not getting fed by anyone. Sure, I was having fun, but I was not growing in my faith at all. The sad part was that I knew I was becoming distant, but I didn't do anything about it.
I think that happens one time too many for all of us - we know we are becoming distant, but we don't do anything about it. It's sad. I used to be a writer/blogger. I would write notes about what God is doing in my life, or what He's been teaching me, and I stopped once I got to Greenville. Writing really helps me figure things out. It clears my mind. The past couple months, I have just been keeping all my thoughts to myself and it got to the point where God finally decided to break me. I can't really tell you how it happened, but something just hit me inside and I knew I had to do something.
I went home this weekend. Yesterday, I visited my good friends Haley and Linnette, and they were asking how I was doing. I told them about how I felt so distant and critical, and Linnette asked me, "Who are you hanging out with?" I thought about that. It's not like the people I hang out with are bad people, but honestly, I don't feel like I am growing spiritually either. Sure, I have lots of fun with them, and that is important, but I feel like the spiritual growth is missing. This doesn't mean I am going to stop hanging out with these people. I am going to try to build closer friendships by having meaningful talks or whatever I need to do. She also asked, "Who is pouring into you spiritually?" I paused and thought, no one. That's my problem. Because of my critical attitude, I wasn't allowing anyone to help me grow in my faith. I need to open up to more people, and this is so hard for me. Also, I may be distancing myself for awhile, just to get back on track with God. I need to spend one on one time with God, and I have not been doing that as often as I need to.
I just want to encourage you all to not neglect God. Keep up your Bible studies. Have meaningful conversations with others. It helps. I had a friend in my room last night, and we had a nice talk. It was the first time I actually had a good talk opening up to someone else about my faith, and it was nice. We get so nervous of what others will think, or how they will judge us, but I just want to encourage you to find at least one other person you can open up to and share what God is doing. It will change your perspective. I realized that I was not the only one who was so critical about everyone here. I am asking God to help me be less judgemental and that whenever I start to criticize, realize that I am as much of a sinner as they are. I have my faults too. I can be annoying sometimes. I don't always dress fashionable. I am not always the nicest person ever. I can be bitter. In Matthew, Jesus preaches, “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Also, if you could, please keep me in your prayers as I am working on getting back on track. I love you all. And if anyone ever wants to talk, please let me know. I would love that. :)
OH, I am going to add on to this. Another thing that has been getting on my nerves is all the relationships here. I understand the whole waiting on God to bring the right guy to you, and wait for the guy who will pursue you, but as I look around and see everyone finding their lovers, it makes me feel like I am being held back, which is ridiculous thinking. I am still waiting on God, but I am getting impatient, ha. I haven't even had any "maybes" yet. I considered a few to be a maybe, but I just let those pass. I just have to keep reminding myself, singleness is not a disease. I guess I do have a few more years here, so I shouldn't be in a hurry, right? To my future husband, wherever you are, I hope you are having a great day. And, I love you. :) okay that's weird
But now, I am so critical of everyone here. I feel like everyone is putting on some kind of show. I got this attitude like I'm better than everyone else, like my faith was stronger than theirs' so I didn't need to be spiritually fed by them. Part of it was chapel. I mean, we are forced to go to a certain number of chapels, and then I was never amazed at the speakers. Part of it is that there are so many denominations so the talks are very basic so we can all have a common ground. I wasn't getting anything out of the chapel speakers, because I felt like I needed to hear things that were deeper and had more meaning.
I figured I could just read my Bible for myself and grow by myself. Big mistake. The only thing that did was bring me farther away from God. I was not getting fed by anyone. Sure, I was having fun, but I was not growing in my faith at all. The sad part was that I knew I was becoming distant, but I didn't do anything about it.
I think that happens one time too many for all of us - we know we are becoming distant, but we don't do anything about it. It's sad. I used to be a writer/blogger. I would write notes about what God is doing in my life, or what He's been teaching me, and I stopped once I got to Greenville. Writing really helps me figure things out. It clears my mind. The past couple months, I have just been keeping all my thoughts to myself and it got to the point where God finally decided to break me. I can't really tell you how it happened, but something just hit me inside and I knew I had to do something.
I went home this weekend. Yesterday, I visited my good friends Haley and Linnette, and they were asking how I was doing. I told them about how I felt so distant and critical, and Linnette asked me, "Who are you hanging out with?" I thought about that. It's not like the people I hang out with are bad people, but honestly, I don't feel like I am growing spiritually either. Sure, I have lots of fun with them, and that is important, but I feel like the spiritual growth is missing. This doesn't mean I am going to stop hanging out with these people. I am going to try to build closer friendships by having meaningful talks or whatever I need to do. She also asked, "Who is pouring into you spiritually?" I paused and thought, no one. That's my problem. Because of my critical attitude, I wasn't allowing anyone to help me grow in my faith. I need to open up to more people, and this is so hard for me. Also, I may be distancing myself for awhile, just to get back on track with God. I need to spend one on one time with God, and I have not been doing that as often as I need to.
I just want to encourage you all to not neglect God. Keep up your Bible studies. Have meaningful conversations with others. It helps. I had a friend in my room last night, and we had a nice talk. It was the first time I actually had a good talk opening up to someone else about my faith, and it was nice. We get so nervous of what others will think, or how they will judge us, but I just want to encourage you to find at least one other person you can open up to and share what God is doing. It will change your perspective. I realized that I was not the only one who was so critical about everyone here. I am asking God to help me be less judgemental and that whenever I start to criticize, realize that I am as much of a sinner as they are. I have my faults too. I can be annoying sometimes. I don't always dress fashionable. I am not always the nicest person ever. I can be bitter. In Matthew, Jesus preaches, “And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
Also, if you could, please keep me in your prayers as I am working on getting back on track. I love you all. And if anyone ever wants to talk, please let me know. I would love that. :)
OH, I am going to add on to this. Another thing that has been getting on my nerves is all the relationships here. I understand the whole waiting on God to bring the right guy to you, and wait for the guy who will pursue you, but as I look around and see everyone finding their lovers, it makes me feel like I am being held back, which is ridiculous thinking. I am still waiting on God, but I am getting impatient, ha. I haven't even had any "maybes" yet. I considered a few to be a maybe, but I just let those pass. I just have to keep reminding myself, singleness is not a disease. I guess I do have a few more years here, so I shouldn't be in a hurry, right? To my future husband, wherever you are, I hope you are having a great day. And, I love you. :) okay that's weird
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