I like the stars because they remind me to look up.

As I sit under the clear night sky at the steps of St. Paul’s Church, I can’t help but feel like a child in awe. First, the stars are beautiful. I can’t help but walk around with my head looking up at the stars, praying that I don’t ignorantly walk into a tree or a car or a trash can. I also love being in high places, like on a roof or in a tree, looking down.

When I’m sitting above everything looking down on everyone, I realize that no one ever notices me sitting there, even when I feel like I’m so obviously noticeable. People walk and drive by, not even noticing my presence, just because no one ever thinks to look up. I talked to my friend Arley about this the other night (as we were sitting on a roof watching cars drive by) and he said that God probably feels the same way. It makes perfect sense. The sad part is that God is so much more obvious, yet people still don’t realize his presence. He is seen through creation and through his people, yet we are dumb enough to miss even that.

So, here I am sitting at St. Paul’s. I’m reflecting on everything that has happened to me this past year. I’m trying to make sense of it all. I have no idea what God is trying to tell me.

Over the summer, I felt like I was missing out on God. I just couldn’t find him anywhere. It was hard. I tried to seek him, but I just simply wasn’t hearing. I had no idea what he wanted from me. I didn’t have any guidance or direction. I just worked and slept and went to church and went with the flow for 3 months.

But it makes perfect sense. I have a passion for people who are suffering, and I have a passion for art, photography specifically. I have a close friend who had to go through art therapy, and my heart cries for her. Gosh, I love her so much. I met an art therapist that goes to my church back at home who is willing to give me advice and let me watch and see the kind of work she does. In Greenville, I ran into another art therapist and we got to talk about photography, and she told me about Born Into Brothels, a documentary about kids using cameras as therapy. God is placing these people in my life for a reason. This is what I need to be doing.

I talk to my advisor, and he tells me I should switch my major to art and minor in psychology. I change my schedule around, and now I’m an art major and pysch minor, and I love every minute of it. Since being an art major, I feel like I am learning more about myself than about art. I think this is good. I’m realizing my passions, and I’m becoming more and more inspired to be creative. It’s funny. In a way, art is therapeutic to me. By learning to express myself, I am learning who I am, and I am realizing that in the past, photography has had such a positive impact on me, and has helped me get through my own hard times. And more importantly, I am learning to stand in awe of God, our creator.

For the past week I’ve been going on night walks with God each night. Just me and God, and sometimes my camera. It has been amazing, and I am learning oh so much. It started with being in awe of creation. Then, I wept, for those who are suffering. I cried because nothing made sense. I cried because I wasn’t hearing from God. I only could sit there and try to listen, but there was nothing. I star gazed. I got the thrill of a train passing next to me on the train tracks, reminding myself that life is vulnerable. I listened to worship music and walked around the town. I walked around in silence. I sat in silence. And I laid in silence. I became inspired by the stars.

So this is where everything ties together and makes sense. Back to the subject of looking up. I love the stars because they remind me to look up. It is so easy to forget God is right above us. He is all knowing and all loving. And He’s right above us. I don’t want to just look up though. I don’t want to just be aware of his presence. I want to be involved in his presence. This is why I sometimes don’t hear from God, because I am only aware of him, and not engaging myself in him. The more I remind myself to look up (or be aware), the more I want to engage myself in daily consistent prayer. I want to be close to God every minute of every day, not just when I make an effort to have a quiet time. I want others to see God in me. I want to be a light to those who need it. I want to learn more about myself and seek God through art., and use this knowledge to help others do the same.

This is my passion.

solitude

I spent so long trying to be someone, trying to impress, but lately I really have just been happy with myself. This is a huge step for me. I used to sit around and focus on my flaws and try to hide them and pretend that I was better. I've been told, "you can't love someone else if you can't love yourself first." You should love yourself because God loves you. You should be satisfied. And I feel like I am getting there. I am accepting my flaws, and I can laugh, and I can love. I'm starting to view people differently. I have been filled with a refreshed love.

I'm currently sitting on my comfy futon reading through 1 John with the wonderful sounds of Jonsi playing in the background. I am so content. It's quiet here. Everyone else is out enjoying others company. I just don't quite fit in right now. And honestly, I accept that.

I feel like I'm changing, and I can't put my hands on what exactly it is, but I am really content and enjoying the solitude. It kinda freaks me out because this is usually not like me at all. I'm usually dependent on other people. I hated that about myself. I needed people around me all the time. I needed someone to pay attention to me. I wanted to feel a sense of belonging. I wanted people to care about me. It mattered so much. But now I feel different and I don't quite know what it is, but I'm happy. I feel like my own person. I can enjoy solitude.

Why can't God just put a stop to evil?

In youth group, Willie has been asking us challenging questions and this was the last one that really made me think. I sat there and thought, but God DOES have the ability to put a stop to evil.

God has stopped evil before.

He flooded the earth to wipe out evil in Noah's day.

He destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. "Then the Lord rained brimstone and fire on Sodom and Gomorrah, from the Lord out of the heavens" Genesis 19:24. "Turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah into ashes, condemned them to destruction, making them an example to those who afterward would live ungodly" II Peter 2:6

He sent Jesus to die for us so we wouldn't have to suffer for our own wickedness.

And if you read more history in the Bible, you will see other examples of God stopping evil. However, God doesn't always stop evil from happening. In most cases, he allows it.

Earthquakes happen. Tornadoes happen. Flooding happens. Tsunamis, volcano eruptions, war and terrorism all happen. It is all part of God's plan.

I guess the reason he doesn't just put a stop to evil all the time is because God sees the big picture. God has already seen the end. He knows how things are going to turn out. Being human, we don't see the picture God sees. We focus on the little things that happen. One person dies and we think, why did God allow this to happen? What we don't realize is that this is all part of God's plan.

God has already seen the end. Everything is working for his perfect plan.
God has already won.

I sat there and thought more about that. God has already won. Why are we so worried? Why do we try to figure everything out on our own? God already knows. Jeremiah 29:11 says that God has a perfect plan for us. I guess sometimes I forget that God already knows how everything will play out. He allows certain things to happen because he knows that in the end, it will be used to glorify Him. It may not make sense to us right now, but it will when that time comes.
I'm rambling a lot. I've been thinking a lot about how everything that happens is for the glory of God, no matter how crappy it seems at the time, because in the end God wins. How awesome is that?

I'm Sorry I'm A Christian - Chris Tse

Chris Tse presenting his poem at the Poetry Slam Vancouver. He was the 1st place winner on the 21st of December 2009 with a score of 57.3 with his poem.

I am a Christian. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the way that I come across

So fair and faith friendly and full of myself

Judging your spiritual health by

the words that you say

And the way that you dress, and the things that you do

Or maybe just judging you.

I’m sorry for the way that I live my life

So confident of my own beliefs that

I would never even think to think about thinking about yours

I’m sorry for the wars.

Ivory clad Crusaders mounting steeds and drawing swords

With such a spirit that if The Spirit spoke they wouldn’t hear

But you see the sword of the spirit was not a sword but the Word

And the Word was with God and the Word was God

And they preached this as they marched on the Holy Land

Singing and Praying and Killing and Slaying

And purging and healing and raping and stealing

It’s ironic that they lined their pockets in the name of God

Just like the priests who line their pockets in the name of God

Just like the people that you can’t stand, because they always raise their hand

And spread their faith and hate and judgment in the name of God

I’m sorry that I take God’s name in vain

Or rather I’m sorry that I stain the name of God

Defending my selfish actions as selfless actions pertaining to the will of God

I’m sorry for being intolerant

For trying to talk down to you

For trying to talk over you

For not letting you talk

I’m sorry for not walking the walk

For being a hypocritical critical Christian

Criticizing your pagan lifestyle while my lifestyle styles itself

Just like the televangelist’s hair

All slick and sly and slippery

As the silver syllables slide their way into your ear

But see that’s my greatest fear

That the steps I take won’t match the words I speak

So that when I speak all you hear of me

is a weak hypocritical critical Christian

Doing one thing, but saying another

Loving my friend, but hating my brother

It’s a show.

I’m sorry I get drunk on Saturdays

and go to church on Sundays to pray

for my friends who get drunk on Saturdays

And on that note,

I’m sorry for making the church about the pews and the cross

And the walls and the steeple

Because see, the building is not the church

The church is the people

I’m sorry that I hate you because you are gay

I’m sorry I condemn you to hell because you are gay

Instead of loving I jump to hatred

Mouth open and tongue preaching

Eyes open but not seeing that you are the same as me

Just a fucking human being

I’m sorry that I only hang out with Christian friends

And we do nice Christian things

Like pot luck dinners and board game nights

While in the night a man beats his girlfriend again

Another homeless man died again

Is this the way that my own crowd has been?

But here I am with the same friends again

But see what I always forget is that Jesus didn’t come

to hang out with the priests and the lords.

No, He hung out with cripples and beggars and whores

Love

I’m sorry for history

For native tribes wiped out in the name of the church

Lodges burning Stomachs churning and yearning for justice

And mothers screaming and pleading

Pleading for the young ones

As they are dragged away to church schools

Where they were abused

I’m sorry for the way that I refused to learn your culture

Instead I just came to spread the Gospel

And the plague

I’m sorry that I stand at the front doors of abortion clinics

Screaming at fifteen year old girls as they enter

Instead of waiting at the back door to hug them as they leave

I’m sorry for taking my wars and my faith to your lands

When historically it was on your lands that my faith was born

And in the face of the storm, I realize that

If God is Love and Love is God

Then why are we shooting instead of sharing?

Why are we launching instead of learning?

Why are we warring instead of walking together?

Why are we taking instead of talking together?

Why are we bombing instead of breaking bread together as brothers?

You see, I think that God looks down and He’s sad

And from His right hand throne above

Jesus asks where is the Love?

And if it takes Wil-I-Am and Justin Timberlake

Asking that same question for us

To start asking that same question

Then where the fuck are we headed?

So I will take this stage to be my chapel

And this mic my confession booth

And in the presence of God, the few, the proud,

and the blessed I confess, that

I am a Christian. I’m sorry.



- A poem by Chris Tse

float on

"Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye."
-U2

So, my very good friend Travis left for Navy boot camp yesterday. It's weird. He was that friend that would always just be here. Every time I came home he would be here. I would go over to his house and fall asleep on his couch. That sounds kind of boring, but I'm gonna miss that. And that couch is impossible to not fall asleep on. It is the most comfortable couch in the history of couches. So many great memories with him. He was my viola buddy in high school. We talked through school but didn't start hanging out until senior year. He used to be best friends with the guy I dated senior year. When we broke up, Travis was still there for me. I could call him anytime and he would listen. I loved how if I wanted to do something, he would encourage me to just do it. Most of our hanging out times were from spontaneous ideas. I loved going to Main Street during the winter and walking around in the snow and going to the candy shop and stopping at the popcorn stand to get homemade kettle corn, and watching the horse carriages go by and always wishing we could afford to ride one. And walking around Creve Coeur Lake and talking about everything and yes, everyone. Listening to Pink Floyd's The Wall and singing along in the car at the top of our lungs. We would go for late night drives all the time and go down Hog's Hollow and listen to scary music and drive through the fog and corn fields and pass the eery looking water plant. The past two new years were spent at his house with our friends. We'd all sit on the legendary couch until midnight, then see how long we could stay up. The first new year spent at his house was the most memorable. So much drama and laughing, and being worried about breakfast. There are so many frickin good memories that it'd take too long to sit here and type. We used to joke around about how he's going to have a ton of money from the navy. I told him that he should get a fountain soda machine because fountain soda is better than regular soda, and he will.

Man, I'm gonna miss this kid. I know I'll still talk to him when he's graduated boot camp and goes to California for school, but it just won't be the same. I'm proud of him though. I don't want to sit here and be sad about this. This is such a great thing that he is doing. He's going to be a translator for the Navy. I'm really happy for him. I'm just going to miss him being around. I feel like I have developed this expectation that whenever I come home from school he'll be here, but he's not going to always be here and I have to get used to that. Also, I'm realizing that it'd be selfish of me to want that. He's going to travel the world and I couldn't be happier or more proud of him.

thoughts at the lake

I've been craving spending time with God. I always see how far or long I can go without Him until I hit rock bottom. Why do I do this? I don't know. I'm human. What a lame excuse.

I pick up the book, Crazy Love, remembering how much is impacted me before. I decide to go to the lake to read and watch the sunset. I figure that would be a good way to spend time with just me and God. I grab my blanket and get in the car and drive out to the lake. I park my car, and find a nice sunny spot to lay, where I can work on my uneven tan. I soon realize that I chose to lay in a field full of pollinating bumble bees. I'll just ignore them, I think. Don't bother them, they won't bother you, right?

I continue reading this book, longing for some passion to stir up in me like last time I read this book. Now I can't help but ease drop of the snippets of people's conversations as they pass me by on the trail.  They're talking about school, pregnancy, family, dogs, anything. So many different kinds of people, many different languages. I just want to listen. No, focus on God, I tell myself. Then a huge Indian family stops to the play on the beach right next to me.  All the kids are screaming and yelling and talking at the top of their lungs to each other with their high pitched voices. God, they're so annoying.

This is when I realize what my problem is. I'm trying too hard. Stop being so bitter. Just soak up the greatness of God. These are God's people just as much as I am. God made these bumble bees. Without them, there'd be no honey or flowers, how sad. Help me to see creation and love Your people the way You do, I pray.

It's slowly getting less busy here at the lake. There are those few people trying to get their last minute exercise in before the sun sets. Even the bees are pollinating last minute before they make their journey home. We live in such a noisy, busy and fast paced world. I long for simplicity, solitude and peace. I don't want to miss our on anything God has to offer. I often say that is my biggest fear.

There's another young man standing on the beach, practicing juggling. He seems really good at it. I'm impressed. He's by himself. He sits down and takes a smoke, looking off into the lake towards the sunset. I wonder what he's thinking about. I want to say something, like, "Hey that was amazing" or "That's really neat, how did you learn to do that?" Nevermind, I'll probably just come across as creepy or awkward. I have a thing for doing that.

Finally the loud family is leaving, it's getting quiet, the sun is setting, how peaceful. It's beautiful. God is beautiful. Everything He created has its beauty. I came here longing for passion and passino is what I found in the beauty of creation and of people. I don't need to try so hard to see God. All I need to do is sit and watch.

Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in with my gender because I'm not constantly boy crazy.

I was talking with a friend the other day about boys, and she asked me who I liked, and I thought about it and realized that I don't really have a crush on anyone. It's weird because I really just haven't thought about liking someone in awhile. I am honestly completely satisfied with God right now. Sure, I may be attracted to certain attributes of certain guys, but I'm definitely not crushing over anyone. If anything, I am just realizing what attributes in guys that are desirable. She thought it was the weirdest thing and could not believe that I didn't have a crush on anyone.

I told her that I wanted God to have my heart before I gave it to someone else.

It's like it's wrong in our society today to not crush on someone. It's sad, we have neglected the love of our Creator. We forget to pursue God and to let God love us the way He wants to.

It just amazes me how many girls are trying to find someone to crush on. They move on from one guy to the next. It's like they would go insane if they didn't have a boy to crush over. It's ridiculous, and it breaks me heart. I wish everyone could experience the true satisfaction and love I have experienced. God is perfect love, and it captivates me more than any other being.
My desire is that God will captivate our hearts and that we will stay captivated by only Him. Take the time to get to know God, our Creator. He knew you before you even existed, and He wants to have a relationship with us. Being a Christian is not about what it takes to get to Heaven, it's about what it takes to love God and to love others.

I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and it has been so encouraging in my journey with God and letting Him captivate my heart.

A few things that stood out:

"When we love God because we feel we should love Him, instead of genuinely loving out of our true selves, we have forgotten who God really is...we have to intentionally and consistently remind ourselves of Him."


"We forget that we already have everything we need in Him...we quickly forget that He is worthy to be worshipped and loved."


"Why are we so quick to forget God? Who do we think we are? Even though I glimpse God's holiness, I am still dumb enough to forget that life is all about God and not about me at all."


"If life were stable, I'd never need God's help. Since it's not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run to God."


"The irony is that while God doesn't need us but still wants us, we desperately need God but don't really want Him most of the time. He treasures us and anticipates our departure from this earth to be with Him - and we wonder, indifferently, how much we have to do for Him to get by."


"As we begin to focus more on Christ, loving Him and others becomes more natural."


"I need God to help me love God."

service

The other week, a few friends and I brought sandwiches to the homeless tent community downtown St. Louis. It was a really great service experience, and it opened my eyes to see how these people live day after day. Through service, I have learned so much about myself. My heart is to serve others. I want to be available to be used by God, I want to continue knowing God more and more through service, and I want to glorify God in everything I do.
It was amazing to see how appreciative these people were that we brought them sandwiches. It was a simple act of service that did not cost a lot of money, and did not take very much effort, but it meant so much more to them. We sat under the tent by the fire and had lunch together with these people. One kid, named Patrick, actually grew up in Greenville, and moved to St. Louis when he became homeless. I told him I would being him back a Greenville lanyard, and that simple act meant so much to him.
This makes me long for simplicity. I want to be able to appreciate the little things in life. One of my biggest fears is that I will get so caught up with myself that I miss God in the smallest places. God’s voice is not heard in the wind or storms, but in a whisper. I want to live a life of service and simplicity and disciplined silence so that I will be able to hear God and I won’t have to concentrate so hard on having to listen for His voice.
One thing that struck me the most when we brought the sandwiches to the homeless was how giving they were in return. In one of their tents they had some food stocked up that they had received. There were two unopened packages of banana bread, and one of the guys told us to take it home with us as their gift of appreciation. It was really hard for us to take the bread from them because I am sure it is a lot harder for them to attain bread than it is for us, but it would be rude to not accept the gift either. In a way I feel like the homeless served us more than we served them. Even though we brought them sandwiches that they could not afford, they still gave us banana bread. That is true service, and that is what I long for.

Present your bodies as living sacrifices to God - Romans 12:1-2

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:1-2)

Before you think that Christianity has everything to do with being merciful, realize that Christianity is first having everything to do with living a life of worship.  What we do with our bodies is our spiritual worship. Before we can be merciful, we must be full of worship, otherwise mercy will be be mere social agendas. Your life simply cannot be merciful if you aren't worshipful first.
Our bodies were created for worship. We worship God for His mercy.

So what does Paul mean by spiritual act of worship?
He means that we need to present a sacrifice, and not to be confused with Old Testament sacrifices. The blood of bulls and goats won't take away our sin. Jesus is the ultimate, perfect sacrifice.

1 Corinthians 5:7 - "Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast—as you really are. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed."

Hebrews 10:12 - "But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God."

We are called to sacrifice our bodies in worship.

Paul makes 4 points: bodies, living, holy, and acceptable to God.

Bodies
Christianity is not only a mind transformation or spiritual transformation, but a body transformation as well.  God wants our everything, including our bodies.  Some people may think, "but my body is flawed," or "I don't like my body."  That is not the point.  We do not have to offer perfect sacrifices because we aren't sacrificing our bodies for sin; we are sacrificing for God.  The sacrifice for sin was already made on the cross.  Our bodies do not deserve anything.  Our bodily sacrifices are acceptable to God through Jesus.  Through Jesus is the only way we can be accepted.  God is not after our bodily looks; but our bodily behaviors.  It's all about what God wants us to do with our bodies.
The reason we have a body is to make the beauty of Christ known visible.
This can be seen in Isaiah 53.

"Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed."

The beauty of Christ is not found in looks, but in love.  We are called to be models of mercy and love.  If only everyone could understand this.  We are raised in a society where we are told that we have to look a certain way and we compare our bodies to other people.  It's really sad.  I admit I have done it too.  I think almost everyone has, and it's such a shame.  If only we could see people the way God sees them, with love and mercy.  That is my prayer.  The only thing that matters is how much we use our bodies to love.  We have bodies to give evidence that Jesus is our savior.


Living
"Present your body as a living sacrifice."  We are alive in order to make Jesus known.  Make every act of your living body put to death everything in your life that dishonors Christ. When do you feel most alive? Most Christians will say it is when they are evangelizing.  When they share God's love with others, they feel alive.  We don't feel alive when we live for ourselves, but it is by grace when we live for others and for God.

Holy
"spiritual worship"
Romans 12:1 can correlate with Romans 6:13
"Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness."
Do not present yourself to sin, but to God as those who have been brought from death to life.  Let every action be one of righteousness.
Holiness is what I long for.

Acceptable to God
What does this add to holiness?
Paul adds "God" to make it acceptable.
Without God, we cannot be acceptable, but because of God's mercy we can be acceptable.

Before your bodies are designed for mercy, they are designed for worship. Mercy is the goal and means for worship.  Mercy is what displays God and makes Him beautiful.
Worship is the fuel and the goal for mercy.


It may not be coincidence that our tongue is so much smaller than our arms and legs.  Maybe that was God's way of showing us that actions are louder than words.  Use your body for Him.  Use your body to glorify God, and remember that you were bought with a price!  Go serve Him. :)

"Take my life and let it be
consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
at the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
every power as You choose.

Take my will and make it Thine
it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
it shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
at Your feet its treasure store
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
ever, only, all for Thee.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee."


- Take My Life by Chris Tomlin

addiction

I am a true coffee addict. In fact, I'm sipping on some coffee right now.
I just explained to my roommate how I do my coffee. She's trying to come up with a new word for this condition...something along the lines of ridiculous.
Every time I make coffee, I prepare my coffee maker for the next time I want coffee.
I put the water in, the filter, and the coffee grounds. All I have to do is press the on button whenever I want coffee.
When my mug is empty, I clean it out and put the creamer in and put it in the fridge so all I have to do is add the coffee when it's ready.
I even have the timer set for 8:55 every morning so that it automatically starts itself so I won't forget, and I can start my day with chapel and coffee. (Is there a better way to start a day?)

Plus, I drink fair trade coffee, so that makes me feel ten times better about it! :)

It Is Well

I am learning to be at peace with the Lord.  I am always longing for something more, and I am always looking for areas in my life to change to grow closer to God.  I think as Christians, we can get so caught up in trying to fix ourselves that we forget to sit in the presence of God and enjoy it, feel His unconditional love.  We tend to focus on areas of our lives to be changed, which is good to do, but we shouldn't do it so much that it interferes with the joy we receive from God's presence.
I want to live a life of worship every day, whether it be through pain and suffering or praise and joy.  I want the fire in my heart to spread.  I want others to notice something different.  I want to be captured by God's never ending love.  I want to be Christ to those who don't know Him.
God, take over my life. I'm letting go, falling into You so You can guide my steps from here on out.

Dating God

I love it when I find little things that encourage me. I was going through an old notebook of sermon notes and letters and whatever else I collected in that notebook, and I found a little card from Linnette.

"One of my prayers for you Carrie is that you will wait on God's guy. You have been through so much with your parents divorce. You don't want that for your life or children. So the question then is will you wait for God's timing and not your own? Don't take a temporary problem and make a permanent solution. Just because you are lonely or long to be with someone don't settle. Carrie, you are such a loving, kind, gorgeous young lady. Don't sell yourself short. You may have to wait awhile to get your prince charming but it will be well worth the wait. In the mean time make sure you are dating God. Know His voice, search for His character. He will never let you down.
Psm 139, Jeremiah 29:11-13, Zeph. 3:17, Phil. 2:21.
Keep your eyes on Him. I can't wait to see what God's going to do through you these next four years."

I remember I got that card and I read it and I was very appreciative for what she said, but my issue was that I was settling, and I kept denying it. This was during my senior year, and I was with a guy and I really thought we were going to get married. I just remember thinking that I was already with "God's guy" and it was weird how she would write that. Looking back, I should have known better than to be with him, but that's the past. What can ya do? I know better now, and that's what mostly counts, right?

Anyway, I just found this and reread it and I am just so encouraged right now. I want to wait on God's timing. I don't want to jump into anything without dating God first. For the past couple weeks I've been working on "dating God." This was a concept I knew about before and I didn't really think it was a big deal. I mean, I loved God, so why would I have to ditch dating to date God? What more could I do than what I was already doing with God? I already had quiet times, I prayed, I read my bible, so what does it mean to date God? It never really made sense to me. Yeah, I heard cool stories about how a woman dates God and goes on walks with God or has a picnic with God and does things that she would like to do on a date, but with God, and then she meets a man who enjoys doing the same things that she did while she dated God. Those are always beautiful and heart-warming stories, but I just never could see it happening that way with me. I wanted to find the right guy without taking the time to date God. I should have known that I will never find the right guy until I seek God first. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and slap my high school self around a little bit, but I can't, so I have to learn to deal with my mistakes.

Sorry I keep ranting off subject. So, I am dating God. I thought about it a couple weeks ago, and I really do want to grow more with God and get to know God's character and His voice personally, even more than I do now. I want to fall in love with my creator. I can't imagine loving God more than I do now, but I know it's possible and I am super excited for what will happen because of this. It started when a group of us went ice skating in Michigan the other weekend. I remember skating around the rink seeing couples and just getting annoyed at the fact that there were so many couples. (I'm not bitter, I promise) Even though I was having fun with the few of us who went, I found the time to turn that situation into a date with God. My bitterness completely changed into seeking after God. I went around the rink a few times just talking in my head with God, and that was absolutely amazing. It wasn't like I heard God say anything. It was more along the lines of acknowledging His presence and knowing that He wants to spend time with me, that He is jealous for my love. So instead of being bitter about all of the couples, I was able to just fall more in love with God and take pride in God's love for me.

So, I am trying really hard to not be paranoid about "the right guy" and to not worry about whether I should try talking to someone or not. There's no use in getting nervous because I know God has a guy for me out there somewhere, and until we meet, I will wait patiently upon the Lord. For now, I am dating God, praying for my future husband, seeking God's character and voice, and I pray that whoever my future husband is will also have to seek God first before he finds me, and have the guts to come to me first so I don't have to worry about being nervous, ha. just sayin.

P.S. Coffee dates are the best! :)

really?

So, I realized that I critique myself way too much. I try to find every fault in my life so that I can work on getting better. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a better person, but I have to remember that I won't ever be as good as the standards I set for myself.

Oh, I'm too quiet. I worry too much. I am prideful. I compare myself to others. I don't always put God first. Sometimes, I only spend time with God when I feel like spending time with God. Sometimes, I put off spending time with God until I get everything else done first, and by that time it's already time for bed, so I put it off until the next day, only to fall into the pattern of repetition. I don't have the eloquence of speech as much as others. I want to put into words what I am thinking, but it's like there's so many colliding thoughts that the only way I can get it all out is by venting on paper (or computer).

I am not perfect, nor will I ever be perfect. So why do I keep trying to be perfect? Is there a problem with wanting to be the best you can be?

I feel like I need to prove myself. To make up for all of my faults.

Geeze, I'm even critiquing myself right now about critiquing myself! Ironic, huh?

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me crying?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now
i know it's not much
And this is all that I can give
That's my everything

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were crying too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Celebration

I love Sundays. It's a day of celebration.
I know I usually end up doing homework and cleaning and laundry and getting ready for the upcoming week, but I always try to make time (besides going to church) to reflect on Christ and what he did for me. That's what we do on Sundays. We go to church and worship our Father and celebrate Christ's resurrection. The celebration shouldn't stop after church. It should carry on throughout the whole day. I try to be in constant meditation on Sundays, while I am preparing for the week. I want my actions to glorify God. I want the words I say to build others up and be words of encouragement.

God, consume me.

During the week help me to stay focused on You and grow closer to You. Help me to stay diligent in my studies and in the Word. Help me to not become lazy or distracted this week.

You are my joy.

I am sick of basing my relationship with God off of emotions.

Conviction

Today, I came to the realization that I need to stop only focusing on the issues happening across the world when there are people here who need to be shown God's love as well. At the Faith and International Development conference this past weekend, I learned so much about social injustice in other countries, and my heart cries out for those countries. It's just not fair how so much wealth and so much poverty can coexist under God's authority. The same thing with Haiti, it's not fair. I feel like America is such a blessed country that I tend to only cry out for those across the world, and ignore what's happening here.

Today has been a strange day. I became aware of how much suffering and pain there is amongst my peers. I am looking at people with a new perspective. I am asking God to give me his eyes to see the world and people the way he sees, with love and compassion. So, I laid down for a nap before my western civ class, but instead it turned into laying down before God in meditation. I had the song Desert Storm by Hillsong stuck in my head, so I was reflecting on the words of the song, basically saying that no matter what I may be going through, I will always have a reason to praise God. I laid there in silence, asking God to come into my heart and consume me, and fill me with love to love others the way he does. I ended up not sleeping at all, but the neat thing was that I still felt awake in class. I didn't doze off at all, even though I was so tired before. God sustains us, and He did to me today.

I feel like I have been taking in so much information, especially from the conference and from the "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster (the book I'm reading for COR), and I've been asking God what I'm supposed to be doing with all this information. Later, a friend calls me asking if I could talk. I knew I had homework I had to do, and a bible study to go to later, but I felt lead to put everything aside and listen, so I did. She is heart-broken right now, and it turned out that she needed someone to listen to her. I was able to talk to her through her situation and help her calm down a little bit, and then I prayed for her. Then, it was almost time for dinner, and I realized that I didn't have time to prepare anything for this bible study that I started, not to mention it was our first meeting. I turned to God, asking that He would guide us through the study, and He did. Everyone was very involved, and we have an awesome time in fellowship and studying and analyzing God's word.

I also have another friend who said he was going through a rough time today, and so we prayed for him along with the other prayer requests in the bible study. Then, later this same night, another friend was upset and also going through a rough time, so I sat down and talked with her for awhile. After asking God to fill me with a compassion for others, I feel like more and more opportunities are being placed in front of me, and I do not want to pass them up. I'm supposed to be reading a book for my COR class, but I feel like God has been challenging my faith a lot, seeing if I will take the opportunities presented to me.

It would have been so much easier to ignore my friends and focus on getting my homework done, but it is much more rewarding doing God's work and making yourself available to be an example of Christ to others. It comes down to the question, do I trust that God will provide/sustain me with the energy I need to focus on my homework if I make myself available to be used by Him first? We are called to be missionaries, and witnesses, and if we think that we don't have time to do God's work because other things are more important, than how dare we call ourselves Christ followers?

It took a leap of faith to make God and others my top priority, but it was definitely worth it, and I have faith that God will send blessings to those who do so. I fear not being able to be used by God to the fullest because of the interference of my own human desires. When we receive the same amount of joy from helping a friend or stranger where we are now than helping someone across the world, that is when we can experience true love and compassion.

Meditation

I waited patiently for the Lord;
He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the desolate pit,
out of the miry bog,
and set me feet upon a rock,
Making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear, and put their
trust in the Lord.
- Psalm 40:1-3

Usually when I read verses about how if we wait patiently on the Lord He will answer our cries, and my first reaction is one of frustration or anger. Patience has got to be my weakest attribute. It's one of the hardest things for me to deal with, and when I read about God giving people the desires of their hearts, I want to think, "It's not fair! I want MY prayers to be answered. I want to be secure. I'm sick of waiting." Why is it that God takes care of David's desperation and not mine? I try to be a righteous person, and I know I fail at that, but my desire is to be a Christ follower. That should mean something, right? And it does. I've always had a passion for the Lord, but recently I've been convicted that I don't have the patience for the Lord. I never fully understood why God is making me wait so long, but through some serious prayer and meditation I think I figured it out. He wants to spend time with me. He wants to speak to me. I wasn't listening. I was always one step ahead of God, thinking I have everything under control, but in realty, I am lost.

Yes, I am a born again Christian, and I love learning theology and I strive to be Christ-like, but my steps are anything but secure. There was always a fight or struggle between me and God. In high school, I had sometimes thought God's love wasn't enough at the time and I needed something else to fill that desire. Love has always been something I struggled with. My parents divorced when I was really young, and I hardly ever remember feeling a sense of family. I would go to friends' houses and spend time with their families, eventually calling them my own family. But in the house I grew up in, it was hard to feel that sense of family. I'm not writing this to gain sympathy. I'm not depressed over this. If anything, I have learned a lot and grew a lot stronger in my faith because of those circumstances. I'm writing out of a desperation to experience God's love to the fullest and let that be enough in my life. I want to say his love is enough, but it's another thing to believe it from experience. So that's what I'm doing now. Experiencing God's love to the fullest.

As I think about how unfair it is for David's cries to be heard and answered, I have to ask myself, what am I doing that is different than David? We have the same desperation, so what makes his better than mine? The reason is because of our spiritual disciplines. This past semester I have realized that I am very dependent on spiritual mentors and accountability partners, and when I left for Greenville, I left all my dependency behind. It became easy to become distracted and to neglect my spiritual disciplines. I tend to turn to other people before turning to God, and this is something I still sometimes struggle with, and it’s also why I am so frustrated with God at times. He is waiting for me to turn to Him in silence and to listen to Him.

The first half of my half hour meditation was me letting out my frustration at God, about how He’ll “give us the desires of our hearts if we commit to the Lord.” I was impatient because I felt like I was committed and I desired godly things, but I wasn’t receiving. The second half was mostly focused on submission and revealing that I just need to be silent and listen to God. David talks about being still and knowing that God is God. I am learning to trust that God will do great things in His timing, and know that His timing always perfect.

silence

"Maybe there's a connection between the amount of noise in our lives and our inability to hear God." I decided that I'm not going to watch Lost tonight and instead spend some time in silence. It was a tough decision, I'll be honest, but this is what I've been needing to do for a long time now. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why God felt so distant. Last semester I was so far from Him that I wanted to be closer but everything I tried to do to get closer to God didn't work. Over break, I prayed a LOT, and I talked to my mentors a LOT, and I surrounded myself around good Christian people. I learned quite a bit, and I regained that passion in my heart to want to serve God. So that all happened.

Then I got back to Greenville. I got back into a routine, a daily schedule, going to chapel, worshipping my Lord and Savior on a daily basis. Awesome, right? Right...well yeah, it is awesome, I love worshipping God, I love learning more about Him. But today, I couldn't help but weep. I am realizing that I have been missing out on God. I haven't been listening. He is waiting to speak to me, and I just sit here and tell Him how I am frustrated with life, or how much I love Him, or intercede for others, and I leave it at that. He wants to hear all of my requests, but He also wants to speak to me, and I wasn't allowing Him to do that. This is why I felt so distant. It all makes sense now.

I really feel like God has put me in this Cor class that I am for a good reason, to learn to listen to Him. He's been trying to speak to me and I haven't been allowing that. I woke up this morning in a really weird mood. I feel like something is missing, but I couldn't figure out what it was. I started reading the Celebration of Discipline for Cor, and as I was reading it, I was just taking everything in. I felt everything finally made sense. Sure, I have learned all this stuff before, but I am learning to not be prideful in that I already know this, but to have an open heart and know that it's something I need to continue to apply to my life on a daily basis.

I am learning spiritual disciplines. I can't neglect my daily devotions. "Discipline is the price of freedom." - Elton Trueblood.

Jesus said "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly." John 10:10

The deeper you are in understanding God's word, the more abundant you are. As Christians we go through phases where we long after God, then sometimes we don't. I feel like our emotions guide us too much in our relationship with God. We have to remember that emotions are not the primary motivator for spiritual discipline. It takes effort. It's the same thing as being in a relationship with someone, it takes effort. You just CAN'T base a relationship off of emotions, and the same thing goes with God too.

I am truly blessed to be in this COR class, and I am learning SO much about myself and things that I need to do to spiritually discipline myself.

Resist the temptation to feel that meditation is unproductive.
I am so scared that I am going to miss out on ALL that God has to offer to me. My heart is breaking knowing that I haven't taken the time to be still and to listen. I am going to be focusing on silence for awhile. Yeah, I'll still talk to friends or whatever and have fun, but I do need to back off and come face-to-face with God. I need to confess to Him that I've been doing it wrong. My heart wants to serve God, and wants to be close to God, but I need to rerealize that ONLY God is God.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSvo3TBzLu0

College, stuff.

So, I haven't been writing very much at all since I got back to school. I've been so caught up in seeing my friends I haven't seen in so long and reconnecting with people. It's been awesome.

But I can't loose my focus.

Lord, draw me closer to you.

Why is it that it takes a massive earthquake or other tragedy to capture our attention of the world, when there are thousands of people suffering every day?
Just because there are more people in one spot suffering, does it mean that their suffering is greater than the one person who cries out for help but doesn't receive any because no one notices?